As many know, I use Personal Support Workers to come in every morning to get me out of bed, shave, shower, and dress me to go to work.

The last few years I have had a lot of trouble securing good ones consistently. I have had one but the other ones required to form a team of part time people to support me has been a nightmare. I have had to recruit, interview, hire, and painfully train over a dozen people on my routine. To articulate why training them is so painful, imagine that every few months you had to explain in great detail how you need to be washed and shower. Think about the detail of use this sponge, use this washcloth, put this amount of soap, wash in this direction, be careful to watch for x and y, remember to rinse everywhere to avoid rashes, stand me this way so you don’t drop me…and the list goes on and on. Did I mention that these people were complete strangers only days before? I am mentally exhausted before I even get into work. My job as a Global Vice President at a major bank is tiring enough.

Why does what should be routine be so damn hard?

It is so much taxing attention, energy, and anxiety of them not showing up for a shift that gets so damn frustrating. I need to be more patient, but it is mentally trying to have to reteach my routine that should just be automatic. I hear people that dream of climbing big mountains, wanting to achieve some professional level like CxO, cure disease, make a difference, etc. I just want to dream what it would be like to be capable of taking care of myself. To get up, shower, shave, dress etc. completely on my own. I dream of table steaks. I imagine that if I could do my care myself, my 48 years would make this routine automatic requiring minimal mental effort. My only struggle would be figuring out where my wife keeps the new shampoo when the other empties mid-shower. What would that be like? What would it be not to worry if the new personal care worker was going to show up? What would it feel like you are not being a burden to your wife and family members when they do not show up? A man can dream…

This frustration and struggle are likely what made me who I am. I am grateful to everyone that has pitched in to help all these years, allowing me to be me. We all have struggles, these are simply mine. Struggle makes us stronger.

Frustratingly, the journey continues…